k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
