The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
