My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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