Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
