Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
