shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
