i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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