I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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