Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Send help, water and tortillas.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
