Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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