He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
