u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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