So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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