My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
