it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
