My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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