i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
