that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
