i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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