Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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