if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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