Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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