Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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