Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
