I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
