I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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