She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
