Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
