Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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