she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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