i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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