U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
