Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
