Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
