it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
