I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
God I need to hump something, right now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
