highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
