hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
