my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
