Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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