Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
