Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
