i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
