My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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