That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
