Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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