my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
