too bad you live with your parents still
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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