Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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