Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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