Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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