A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
