Life is so much better after having sex.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
