i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I faked an abortion last night.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
