I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
