My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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