I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
