i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You pole danced in your parka.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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