youre lurking in front of me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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