i wish my penis had a tongue
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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